Fighting Fear

I am starting this blog because I am afraid. No, it’s not what you think. I’m not being kidnapped and I’m letting you know where to find me. It’s that I am afraid of failure, and have been throughout my whole life. Which is a bit silly, because I never really failed at anything. That’s the point. When something was challenging to me or I received critique, I would stop doing it. I never wanted to let myself get to a place where I would have “failed” in my eyes or someone else's. 

This mindset has led me to be afraid of doing something I wasn’t great at right away. Why? There is a chance I won’t get any better and I’ll have to accept that I failed. At least when I start out average at something, I can’t get worse. I have discovered that my inherent worth is not based on how well I perform in life; so now, I want to live differently. I know God is calling me to do things I’m not good at to further His kingdom and increase my faith. I know what feels natural is letting fear paralyze me, so I’ll need to fight. Instead of fighting my failure, I’m going to fight my fear.

LITTLE BAKER LINDSAY

In the year 2020, I had a moment where I had a choice between avoiding failure or fighting that fear. Funny enough, it all started with watching The Great British Baking Show. I loved seeing each baker create something so pleasing to the eye, as well as the stomach, something they had worked hard practicing at home and using their imaginations to design. Seeing that they were not professionally trained, I thought, Hmm, maybe I can bake something like this. I started with a basic white cake and thought, This shouldn’t be too bad. But, while the Great British Bakers effortlessly mixed their mixes and baked their bakes, I ended up crying over raw eggs and butter.

I “baked” a lot as a kid. Meaning, I followed the directions on my mom’s recipes. My mom taught me to bake when I was a wee-little Lindsay. She had already worked through all the kinks that would have caused any issues in the baking process through her many years of baking before having me. One recipe I made often was sugar cookies. I loved taking the time to put all of the ingredients together, form little balls of dough, and eat a soft, warm sugar cookie right from the oven. My mom was a very laid-back baker, meaning she didn’t always follow the recipe to the T. She was focused on efficiency, instead of following each step perfectly, and since she had made these cookies hundreds of times, she knew they were hard to mess up. She suggested to me instead of mixing all the dry ingredients separately from the wet ingredients, that I should just mix everything in one bowl. I did just that and the cookies always turned out delicious to my 10-year-old taste buds.

She also didn’t really make cakes from scratch. Betty Crocker cake mix would do the trick, which meant all you needed to do was add the mix, some eggs, oil, water and voilà! You have a light, fluffy cake. Since I had made many a Betty Crocker cake in my day and had been an expert sugar cookie maker, I didn’t think baking was too hard. All you had to do was follow the recipe and your creation should turn out fine every time. Little did I know that there is a science to baking and sometimes the recipe doesn’t have all the details that you need. 

CRACKING EGGS AND PLAYING HALO

My husband, Jo, was sitting on our couch in our living room playing a video game with some friends online as I began my baking adventure. I was following the recipe and all was going well. I grabbed the eggs from the fridge right before cracking them into the bowl. After the cold insides of the egg splattered into the bowl of softened butter and sugar, I turned on the mixer and started to put some of the ingredients away. When I came back and glanced into the bowl, a lump in my throat formed. Oh no. Instead of a smooth, creamy mixture, my batter looked like a big bowl of cottage cheese. I wrinkled my nose in disgust. I didn’t know what happened so I turned to my trusty assistant, Google, and realized that butter is sensitive to temperature changes. When I added the cold egg liquid to the relatively warm butter, it curdled. I tried to revive it with the microwave, but in the end, the finished product wasn’t very good.

I plopped myself on our sofa chair and could feel my throat starting to get tight. Has this ever happened to you? Something seemingly insignificant happens and all of a sudden, emotions like sadness or anger start filling up your chest. This “cake” represented something deeper, something about my expectations for myself as a human. So, I sat on that sofa chair and decided to fight those feelings with all my might. I am going to force myself not to feel. I am not going to let this cake beat me. 

“This “cake” represented something deeper, something about my expectations for myself as a human.”

Jo looked at me and said, “What’s wrong?”

“I ruined the cake. I just wasted all of those ingredients and all of that time. I am a horrible baker.” I wouldn’t look at him; instead, I stared at the wall. I will not cry. I just won't bake anymore. That was my solution to when I “failed”. These were the moments I had to accept I wasn’t good at everything right away. I never really believed the whole “this is a great learning experience” statement. Instead I heard, “Well, you are a failure and a disappointment.” I’m not exactly sure where this voice in my head came from, but it was deep in my heart and I hated hearing those words. Therefore, I would never hear those words again by never failing at that again.

Then, I heard another voice. “Lindsay.” This one wasn’t inside my head, but came from my husband sitting next to me. “You are not a horrible baker. I’ve eaten lots of the food you’ve made and I can’t think of anything I didn’t like. This is the first time you’ve baked a cake by scratch! It seems unrealistic to think you would be perfect at something the first time you do it.” Jo moved closer to me and grabbed my hand.

“But I’ve been baking since I was probably 8 years old. I should know how to bake a cake by now,” I replied, still not looking at him in the eye.

He got closer and replied, “You have never made a cake by scratch. How were you supposed to know that the batter would curdle with the cold eggs? You just didn’t know that before. Now, this experience has taught you that! That’s a good thing because the next time you bake, you will remember this and think, ‘Ok, I need to let the eggs come to room temperature before putting them in’.”

He continued, “Look at this game I’m playing,” he pointed at the T.V. screen. “How many times do you think I’ve lost? If I started playing this game and was already the best, it would be pretty boring. I was not good when I first started in high school, but I’ve learned from all the times I’ve lost and now I’m so much better.”

For some reason, I had lived twenty five years of life and never thought this way. I always expected myself to be excellent at anything I did right away. I didn’t give myself room to fail or make mistakes because of that voice in my heart. I had connected my worth as a human being so deeply with how I performed. And now I was starting to see how other people, like my husband, looked at failure as a building block for getting better, not a reason for giving up.

“And now I was starting to see how other people, like my husband, looked at failure as a building block for getting better, not a reason for giving up.”

CONSIDER IT JOY, MY FRIENDS, WHEN YOU FAIL

Jo had found purpose in failing. He didn’t look at it as the end, but instead a part of the journey. A part of learning that couldn’t be had by doing everything right the first time. This conversation changed my perspective and caused me to bake often during 2020. I “failed” many more times, but I started looking at the “failure” differently. I know so much more about baking now than I did last year. There are still times I’m discouraged or frustrated with myself but I keep coming back to what Jo told me that day and remind myself that I am on a journey. Not in a cliché way, either. In a real way that this journey of life is FULL of failures. That statement in itself does not sound like good news. The good news though, is that I am not expected to be perfect. The good news is that even when I am the cause of my mistakes, failures, sin, I have a God who isn’t staring at me, disappointed, waiting to punish me. He isn’t the one saying, “You are a failure.” He is saying something along the lines of…

“Lindsay, I love you. You aren’t defined by what you do. Your worth is not measured by your ability to succeed at everything. You are defined by Me. I give you worth that can not be taken away by your failures. I sent my Son to be perfect on your behalf; that is your identity now. That is the foundation of your worth. Now, I know you still fail in this life. You can’t see all that I see and you are still effected by sin. The good news is that I work all things together for your good. I want you to not be paralyzed by your failures and mistakes. I want you to bring that failure, however big or small, to Me and I will turn it around for good. Whether that’s helping you learn, helping you grow, making you better at something, the possibilities are endless. I want you to look at your performance on this Earth differently. Be at peace when you fail because you know that isn’t where your value comes from. Be excited when you fail because I am teaching you something through it. Be hopeful when you fail because I won’t let the story end in defeat. I am with You and the enemy has no more hold on you. I believe in you, am excited for you, and am proud of you. All I am asking of you is to not give up.”

“Be at peace when you fail because you know that isn’t where your value comes from. Be excited when you fail because I am teaching you something through it. Be hopeful when you fail because I won’t let the story end in defeat.”

That is why I am starting this blog. I’ve loved writing since I was a little girl and stopped over the past ten or so years because of fear. Now, this is my way of fighting that fear. I don’t have to let my fear of failure stop me from doing something I enjoy. I’m done with letting fear stop me from using my gifts and passions for God’s glory. So, here we go.