Desert Seasons
This article is dedicated to Sayger Holcomb for unintentionally calling out my tryhard-ness. The whole POINT of this blog is to release the need to perform and be perfect and embrace the grace of God. I was in a tornado of perfectionism working on this article and I needed someone to remind me of grace. So thank you Sayger! Hope y'all enjoy.
I don’t think about deserts much. I think about forests, mountains, beaches, but not deserts. Probably because...I don’t want to be there. Deserts are hot, uncomfortable, vast, and a place to get easily lost in. What I’m learning, though, is that deserts teach you something. More than that, they form something important in you. There are growing pains in the beginning, especially for those of us living pretty comfortable lifestyles. I never thought it could happen, but I’m moving out of the “Why, God, are you doing this to me?” phase and moving into peace. Slowly. I am nowhere near having arrived to any promised land yet. But, it's a step.
Hidden Purpose of the Desert
I started reading the Old Testament this year and have recently arrived at Numbers. Yes, I know, the glamorous, juicy, page-turner book of Numbers. How many times have I read Numbers before this? Probably once. Not a book I go to regularly, but I wanted to read through the bible chronologically, so here I am. After watching a Bible Project video, I learned the book of Numbers is about the Israelites time in the wilderness. I’ve also been listening to a podcast that gives ancient Jewish context to the Bible. It’s called the BEMA Discipleship Podcast (highly recommend!). The episodes about the book of Numbers are focused on helping the reader to understand what life in the desert was like for the Israelites. Marty Solomon, one of the podcasters, shares about the life of a shepherd, along with different trees the Israelites would see as they were traveling through the desert.
You may be thinking, wow Lindsay, this is riveting information… If I’ve learned anything from listening to BEMA, it is that at first, there are lots of details that seem small, irrelevant, maybe even boring. But! If you listen to the whole episode, you will understand something about the character of God you would not have seen without those beginning details. I won’t describe all of the episodes about the desert (because I’d rather you go listen yourself) but I will share three realizations about what God wants to use desert seasons to teach us.
Be content with having just enough. This was something the Israelites had to learn when it came to their food. God provided them with manna. They always had enough to fill their stomachs, but they couldn’t store up more for tomorrow. Abundance was not the mentality of the desert. Rather, having just enough was.
Trust your ears over your eyes. Israel was in this vast desert and they did not know where they were going. But God knew and He was leading them. This aspect of the desert was teaching the Israelites how to live by faith. They had to learn to listen to God’s voice and trust He was leading them to the promised land, even when all they could see was desert. Was He telling them every detail? No. Was He showing them the promised land before they got there? No. Faith is a muscle God was growing in his children. He wanted His people to trust Him and trust His voice even when they couldn’t see the results yet.
Fruit in the desert doesn’t always show. There is a tree in the desert called the Acacia tree. This tree looks...dead, most of the time. But what is interesting about this tree is that it's not dead. It can be dormant for 7-12 years (according to the BEMA Podcast), which is good because in the desert it doesn’t rain much. But when that rain comes, the leaves blossom and the tree becomes “The Gift of the Desert”. This is the tree many scholars believe David was talking about in Psalm 1. Knowing that David was referencing an Acacia tree gives us a different perspective of what fruitfulness looks like; being planted by the water doesn’t mean you will always be bearing fruit. It seems God wants us to believe the work we are doing in leaning on Him will produce fruit that will benefit ourselves and others. We just may not see for some time.
Bombs Exploding in the Desert
As I was listening to these podcast episodes and learning about the desert, everything in me was screaming, Well, this sounds horrible. I thought God was a God of abundance? Why is He making them eat this weird bread called manna that probably didn’t even taste that good? Why can’t He just tell us exactly where we are going and how we are going to get there? I started to even think He may be this sadistic Being who just enjoyed making life harder for His kids. What I’ve now realized was that I was projecting my pain onto Him.
The past two years have been pretty hard for me. I’ve allowed much of the emotional pain I have stuffed most of my life out and it's felt like a volcano of intense feelings has erupted all over me. In December of 2018, God spoke to me during a prayer retreat and said that He would be my refuge in the year 2019. That was the year everything started falling apart. Was He my refuge? Yes. Did He feel like a refuge? Not so much. In talking to my counselor, I realized it felt like I was in a war zone and I was crouched down as small as I could be. God was this igloo around me, protecting me, but I still could feel all the vibrations from the bombs going off. Instead, I wanted God to be a room full of cushions and the bombs were going off hundreds of miles away.
“Those years felt like I was wandering through a dry desert. I wanted to escape into a land of abundance, a place where I felt no pain. I couldn’t see any promised land in front of me. I felt like the acacia tree, in its dormant season, with no fruit. ”
I’m learning now that what I told myself that year was, “God won’t really protect me. He doesn’t care if I experience pain. And, yes, He’s doing the surgery to heal my deep wounds, but He doesn’t care how painful it is during the process. He won’t give me any pain killers; I have to get those myself.” Those years felt like I was wandering through a dry desert. I wanted to escape into a land of abundance, a place where I felt no pain. I couldn’t see any promised land in front of me. I felt like the acacia tree, in its dormant season, with no fruit.
This is little Lindsay (and her childhood BFF Betsy) the day she left for the Netherlands to study abroad. I remember being so nervous flying overseas for the first time, but choosing to trust God and step out of my comfort zone. In choosing to trust, it turned out to be one of the best experiences of my life.
Surrender turned Self Protection
For me, the first few years of following Jesus were full of surrender. I surrendered to receive His love and gave my life to Him. I surrendered to stepping out of my comfort zone when I studied abroad and was forced to trust Him in a way I never had before. I surrendered in giving Him my life plans and became a missionary. And every time I stepped off the ledge, I saw Him come through. I saw His faithfulness. I knew surrender was scary, but after choosing it more and more, I knew how much better it was than trying to hold on.
Pain, though, can scream louder than faith. Pain says, “YOU WANT THIS GONE NOW.” Pain says, “TRUST YOURSELF.” Pain says, “THIS WILL END YOU.” It’s hard to hear and see God while experiencing pain. While I experienced more joy in surrendering to God than anytime in my life before, there were also moments of pain in the surrender. The pain led me to slowly, gradually self-protect. Numbing. Sleeping. Distracting. Putting up walls. Anything to lessen the pain for a while. Self protection gave me a bit of “relief” in the moment, but it didn’t bring any healing. Self protection doesn’t bring transformation. Surrender does.
God will let you kick and scream in the desert for as long as you want. He will let you yell at Him, ignore Him, even try to find something better than Him. Even if you never said, “God I am so mad at You” out loud, He sees it in your heart. God let me do all of those things to allow me to know, not just intellectually, but experientially, that surrendering to Him is better. Trying to hoard and have more than enough won’t fulfill you. Trusting what you see in front of you, rather than what you know God has spoken in His Word and in your heart, won’t give you the whole story. Believing the season you are in is wasted because you aren’t “producing” any fruit will lead you to miss out on the healing God has for you.
Seeing God More Clearly in the Desert
Last night, I realized that I am still in a desert season. And instead of being angry, I’m strangely...okay with it. At least, in this moment. I bet when there is more intense discomfort, I will go back to kicking and screaming. After reflecting on the information in these podcast episodes and not experiencing much joy or freedom in trying to escape, I am finally surrendering to God in the desert.
“Do we surrender to God in the process and bring the pain to Him, trusting He will do the deep work to heal our souls? Or do we harden our hearts, try to control our circumstances, and stop ourselves from feeling anything at all?”
To close, I want to share a song I really enjoy called Sanctuary by kalley. One line that really hit me this morning says this: Control is not peace. Lately, I’ve thought that if I control my circumstances, if I can control things causing me pain, I will have relief. I will have peace. Have I experienced any more peace? No. We all experience pain in life and we have a choice when we experience that pain. Do we surrender to God in the process and bring the pain to Him, trusting He will do the deep work to heal our souls? Or do we harden our hearts, try to control our circumstances, and stop ourselves from feeling anything at all? I’ve done both, and in all honesty, I’ll probably pick the latter again throughout my life. But each time, God will be faithful and will help me trust His goodness more, even in the desert.
I know God isn’t a sadistic being making life harder for His kids. He is a good and loving Father that wants to be with us through our pain and struggle. We have to walk through the desert, through the pain, for true healing to come. He is my peace in the desert and now, I am thankful for this desert season.
